Imposter Syndrome

Some days, I KNOW I am not enough.. Not smart enough, not fun enough, not witty enough, not experienced enough. I say I ‘KNOW’ instead of I ‘THINK’ because when I am in that headspace, that is what I believe. I am sure a lot of us feel this way.

I was raised to be competitive. There was always someone else doing things better. Don’t get me wrong, my accomplishments were acknowledged but there was always a comparison made. I expect this was unintentional, but it stuck. Overtime, it added up. So much so, I struggle, still, to feel comfortable when my accomplishments are acknowledged or appreciated. For the longest time, receiving compliments was one of the most uncomfortable social interactions. I have worked on it and accept it with grace now, though I cringe/ flinch on the inside, always waiting for that eventual comparison that someone else is doing it better. This would feel even more intense when I am depressed, leading me to push myself to do better, adding to stress, leading to a spiral.

I now have started handling this better. I sit with all the ‘not enough (s)’. I just sit and pay attention to my thoughts - no judgement, no fixing. This is where my ceramics are the best grounding for me. I focus on the clay bead in my hand and pay attention to my thoughts, like one meditation in the Calm app says, pay attention like a passing greyhound bus (I am paraphrasing). This paying attention then helps me reframe my thoughts. I start recalling things but consciously focus on the positives I have gone through in my life - small happiness, small glimmers. My goal is to always get to ask my inner child if they are happy with me, think we did good’ and get the answer ‘Yes'!’

You see imposter syndrome wants me to think everyone’s opinions/ expectations about me matter and I will never meet them, will always fall short. I now have accepted that isn’t true - the only person’s opinions and expectations that truly matter are my own. It has in turn meant that I accept myself, even if I am not ‘enough’.

What I have also come to realize is, one time acceptance doesn’t mean the feeling wont return. It will. But I start spiraling less, I start getting comfortable sitting with the feelings, I reduce stress. Based on what ‘not enough’ I am sitting with, not smart enough for example, I might uncover another internally perceived flaw and work on accepting that. It does sometime need multiple sitting with emotions, feelings are layered. Some days I get impatient or distracted, I try to accept that too.

As I write this, I am sitting with some ‘not enoughs’ and felt like verbalizing my process / journaling it might be another processing approach. I prefer writing with pen and paper, that feels more tangible and use that more often. If I am in a similar headspace after I process the current not enough, I may share.

Be kind, self kindness first <*>