Sitting with my feelings

I used to not be very good at recognizing my feelings, or naming them. For the longest time people would read an expression on my face and name my thought, and it would take me aback because it would be completely off. This always left me with the feeling of being misunderstood. I had internalized the constant ‘don’t feel that way’ thrown my way growing up into not masking what I felt, and being constantly misunderstood.

Verdantis Epoche

As I now recognize my feelings with intent, I have found it easier to be authentic, to be curious and not judgmental with any and all my interactions. If the feelings are stronger and I need to consciously process them, I sit with them - both thoughts and feelings. Here is a small how I do it, and how it shapes my interactions with people.

There is a person at work who rubs me the wrong way. I don’t interact with them regularly so it is not constant, so I have been pushing it aside for a year. It has however been in the back of my mind, and every interaction has built on the feeling, with the feeling staying longer and longer. At first, I assumed it was my own perception but with my recent realization to trust my instinct more, I am going to accept that the behavior is condescending and decided to sit with it to process.

As I cannot control how this person behaves towards me, I want to be able to call this out politely the next time I encounter it. If I do not process my feelings, that would be harder to do without losing my temper or being emotional.

Sitting with it helps me process my reactions. While it might not change my emotional reaction overnight, I am getting better at paying attention to my reactions. Right now, I feel the reaction physically - my throat closes, I feel nauseous, angry and my shoulders stiffen. I breathe through my feelings, feel it in the body, acknowledge it and breathe out. I assembled my green earring “Verdantis Epoche’ to ground myself, with a guided meditation from Calm playing through my headphones or a book on Audible. I have no agenda on how to handle the situation, no set destination on how I want to feel when I next interact with the colleague. My grounding journey will have helped me handle it without stressing about it, with patience.